Coping With the Unimaginable: Mourning the Death of a Child (Part 1)

The grief that follows such a loss is profound and unique. Parents may feel isolated and overwhelmed; family and friends may be at a loss for how to help. In this two-part article we offer information for both parents and those supporting them on the importance of grief and the process of moving forward.

In this first part, we explore the reality of losing a child and offer practical tips and advice to help parents navigate the overwhelming journey of their grief.

Let Your Grief Be Unique

The death of a child is a tragic and deeply personal experience. Your grief won’t come with an owner’s manual, nor will it follow a predictable path. It will be random and messy and impulsive. There is no “right way to grieve.” The grief you feel will be shaped by your relationship with your child, how they died and your belief system. It will also look different from everyone else — including those closest to you. Accept your grief as it comes and know that it will change over time.

Find Comfort in Rituals & Memories

Rituals — like planting a tree, lighting a candle or organizing a fundraiser — can help you keep your child’s memory alive and provide a sense of connection. Rituals don’t need to be big or grand; often, the simplest things bring the greatest comfort. Sharing memories of your child with family and friends can also be healing.

Take Care of Your Physical Health

The emotional response to grief is stressful, and over time, that stress can start to affect your physical well-being. Headaches, nausea, loss of appetite and fatigue are common ways that grief can affect your body. Taking care of yourself by eating well, getting enough rest, engaging in physical activity (even a short walk every day), talking to loved ones and spending time in nature can all help with your physical and mental health, enabling you to better cope with the emotional stress of your loss. Show the same compassion and care to yourself as you would to someone else.

Develop a Support Network

Although your grief is unique and personal, it’s not a journey you should walk alone. Draw on the experiences of others; seek out peer support or professional counselling like that available at Pilgrims Hospice Society; reach out to family and friends. Look for those who will sit with you in both sadness and joy, acknowledge your grief and be the support you need. Whether you need practical help such as cooking meals or running errands, someone to walk with or just a listening ear, your support network can be a vital source of strength that reinforces your capacity to heal.

Be Patient with Yourself

Your grief journey will be filled with good days and bad days and all the days in between. You’ll feel happy and sad, angry and calm, exhausted and renewed, sometimes all at the same time. Eventually, the good days will start to outnumber the bad, and joy will outweigh sadness. And then, when you least expect it, a sound, smell or image will bring it all rushing back. Be patient with yourself and remember that just because you are healing doesn’t mean you’re forgetting your child; you’re simply finding a way to move forward while keeping their memory in your heart.

Let Yourself Cry

Somewhere in our history, holding back the tears became a symbol of strength. In fact, crying and embracing the emotions of loss are two of the strongest and bravest things you can do for yourself. Crying is a natural response to loss. Feeling and expressing your grief allows you to move through it and to redefine your new reality.